Where Reality is better than Dreams

2003-09-06T22:30:00.000+01:00

Well people...I too have decided to make the move to TYPEPAD!
My new home, which I'm sharing with my man will be ...

Becka's Reality

Please please change your links accordingly...the very few of you out there who actually link to me!

Thank you! :)

2003-08-31T21:01:00.000+01:00

I miss my other half...

Speaking of my baby - he has started trying out typepad...have a wander over to
izzy.typepad.com and check it out!

P.S I've temporarily forgotten all my knowledge of HTML as the knowledge of how to make a Caramel Macchiato fills my head, so until I start working part time again, I doubt I'll be able to do anything fancy with the ole HTML, but if you do happen to be in Nottingham and pop into Starbucks, I'll make ya a mean Cappuccino ;-)

2003-08-30T10:05:00.000+01:00

You MUST MUST MUST check out www.danielbedingfield.com ... that is an order, his music RAWKS! ... Hit the numbers at the bottom of the screen in the UK site to preview his songs - check out numbers 5 and 6 first - my faves!

Got his CD in the mail this morning and I cannot stop listening to it!

...P.S - I'm still working FULL FULL time, (i.e 43 hours per week) hence the lack of posting, but when I get back to University (Friday 26th Sep) you won't be able to stop me from writing, so don't desert me just yet will y'all!? :)

Have a good one.

2003-08-22T08:58:00.000+01:00

So here I am, back home, with four weeks of full time work ahead of me at Starbucks on Clumber Street. I asked my boss before I left if she could give me as many hours as possible when I got home and she has sure done that…in just the next four days I’ll be working 32 hours and next week I’m doing 42…she’s only giving me one day off a week. This means I’ll get taxed like crazy but it also means I’ll get more money and goodness knows I need it!
Yesterday was my first day back at work and despite the little mishaps of not knowing where new products are on the register, and my co-worker Alex pulling so hard on my apron string that it actually broke off, nothing amazing happened. Starbucks is Starbucks and when you go back, you feel like you’ve never been gone.

Rewind back a few days to coming back home from America. The journey was ok, but those night flights give me worse jetlag than the daytime ones. Yesterday I simply couldn’t get out of bed and this morning wasn’t much better. I’m usually an early bird, jumping out of bed as soon as I wake up but since I’ve been home, that’s not been the case! My body is all messed up and this jetlag is killing me. The problem is, I don’t feel tired at night, so I end up going to bed around midnight, 1am, and then I just can’t get up when I’m supposed to…here’s to hoping I’ll snap out of it soon.

Apart from that, everything here is going great. I miss my man more than you can know but I’m happy that we’ve caught each other on the phone everyday that I’ve been back, even though our schedules are somewhat clashing now, we’ve still managed it :)…I’m still not quite used to hearing his voice just over the telephone, knowing he’s so far away but it sure is better than not hearing him at all.

I went to see my new house on Wednesday (the one I’m living in for college) and let me tell you that it deserves a whole entry of it’s own about cleanliness and people’s astounding ability to live in what looks more like a bomb site than a house…more rants coming on that one soon!

Well, I’m sure I have a lot more to say but I gotta get my ass off to work (so is the story of my life for the next four weeks)…so bye bye for now my little home chickens :)

2003-08-20T20:54:00.000+01:00

Just a real quick note to everyone to let you know that it's really difficult got me to get online right now. I'm back home safe and sound but my boss has given me the nastiest hours because I've had two months off work! I'll get right back into blogging regularly as soon as I can, but right now posts will unfortunately be sporadic...(sporadic means occasionally...try using it in a sentance today ;-))

Thanks for reading folks, I'll be back to regular posting a.s.a.p :)

...and a lil MUWAH for Izzy ;-)

2003-08-13T19:39:00.000+01:00

Wow, the weirdest thing is happening to me! I think I'm becoming acclimated to this whole 'living in America' thing ;-) ... seriously, despite some moans that I have (who doesn't have moans?), life here is truly wonderful, and I'm feeling better about it with every day that goes by.

I was thinking this primarily last night while Izzy and I were out at the Macaroni Grill for our 16 month anniversary dinner (whenever I'm with him on an anniversary, no matter how small, I like to celebrate it as we're not always together on our anniversaries). He had been at work since 6.30 in the morning, had worked around 10 hours at the hospital and was now out with me eating wonderful Italian food at our favourite restaurant, before that, we'd even had a cruise around Office Max and Old Navy, (one of my favourite stores in the states, I WISH we had an Old Navy in England!) We managed to pack so much into the evening that activities which I would normally save for two days, we did all in one. That's the great thing about America, this mentality that if you want to do it, why not? Izzy is embarking on the busiest two years of his career and yet he still finds time to spend with me and take me out - isn't it wonderful?! Ya think we're in love? ;-)

When he first started at the hospital my world crashed down around me, he wasn't here 24/7 and we weren't spending a lot of time together. The hospital had to come first and I was scared about being left behind to hang around the house all day and never see him. Now that he's been there for a good ten days, my outlook has changed and I feel a whole lot better. I know that this is going to be the hardest two years of his career, that he's gonna be putting in a LOT of hours at the hospital, but as long as he comes home in the evening and I get to just see him there with me, I am truly happy. Pleasure often lies in the small things don't ya think?

I'm also happier about being here and away from England. Sure I miss it, I miss my family, I miss my old walking places and eating different food, I miss the chocolate and I miss my grandmother's garden, but I don't have this overwhelming terror running through me that I just can't do this like I did before. When I first got here there were evenings where I would just lie in Izzy's arms and cry my eyes out for fear that this was something that I just cannot do. I'm still scared by it and moving to America is a HUGE thing, but I'm a very capable woman and although I'm not saying that I'll find it easy, I am saying that I think I can do it, and that has filled me with a glowing sense of optimism for the future.

I love Izzy and I love the life that I have when I'm with him and I do not want to jeopardize that for anything :)

2003-08-12T21:57:00.000+01:00

So I'm kinda bored, just sitting here thinking of something interesting to write...settling into the whole 'waiting for the man to come home' routine that I have right now. It's made me think seriously about whether or not I really want to be a housewife let me tell ya! There's nothing like waiting around for someone to come home to make you think about whether or not you really want to do that for the rest of your life...having said that, if it really was for the rest of my life I'd have other things to do than just wait around for him all day, I'd be able to drive which would make a difference, and the apartment would be mine too so I could do stuff as I please and not feel like I'm intruding in someone else's space ya know? Anyways...

Good news is that I passed all my second year finals with a high B! Not too shabby and nothing to be sniffed at since a 2:1 (what equates to a high B in England University language), is what I'm aiming for. Izzy got me all inspired by telling me he thought I could get a first (High A in English University terms) if I really worked at it...and I agree with him, I reckon I could get one too but whether or not I really want to slug my guts out to the extent that I'd have to, remains to be seen.

The thing I'm pondering now is my final year project. The Izmeister and I were talking about this on Sunday, and I think I'm gonna try and focus on something to do with the internet and love - do we view love in a different way since the birth of the internet? Has the internet changed the boundaries of love? Is online romance acceptable in today's society? Things along this nature are the things I've been mulling over. I have a lot of tweaking to do, but at least now I have an idea to bounce from :)

I was visiting the Third Day Message Boards this morning, which is where Izzy and I met. So far there have been four couples who met on the boards and are now romantically involved as a consequence, Izzy and I being one of them. Two of those couples are already married and today I read that the third have just gotten engaged! Congratulations to Stephanie and Byron :)
One person left the comment of 'three down, one to go...'
Izzy and I had better get a move on eh? ;-)

2003-08-08T17:09:00.000+01:00

Ponderous...
I'm sitting here watching 'Autumn in New York' - Izzy is at the hospital and has short call today, which means that he probably won't be home until gone 11.30pm - that's 12 hours from right now. Every day that he is gone, I count down the hours and the minutes until he comes home and I can see his face light up as I jump into his arms and hold him tight. Reminds me of the first job I ever had, four weeks work experience in an office when I was 15, filing and making tea, it was more boring than you can believe and I spent most of the time writing down the time on a piece of paper in the moments I had between tasks - it always made the time seem to go faster and when I came home I had this strip of paper with loads of times written down in intervals from 9 - 5. When I write my journal while he's away, I do the same thing...counting down the hours...

I miss you Izzy

Watching this film has put me in an extremely ponderous mood about love. I'm sitting here thinking about our relationship and the love that God has given us, and I can't help but think that I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.
In this film, the girl, Charlotte, is dying from a tumor and right now her guy has been told that she only has weeks to live...makes you think about life in an entirely different way when you have that perspective doesn't it?

How much time do any of us have?

I'm always worried in this relationship about leaving my family behind in England and moving to America to be with Izzy, but what scares me more is imagining a future without him...the minute that thought crosses my mind I literally feel the tears well up, hot behind my eyes and I just can't think about it anymore.

Every day, Izzy gives me something to smile about, something to laugh about, something to make me proud of him, something to make me thank the Lord that he chose me over the many other girls that he could have if he really wanted...he chose me, he wants to be with ME and that's an incredible feeling.

In this life there are things that you have to do, there are choices and there are decisions that you wish you didn't have to make, but that's the way life is - and instead of complaining about how much easier our life would be if we didn't have to make the decisions we do, we should be glad for all the riches that our life gives us, and take the bad with the good, the scary with the exciting, the amazing with the mundane...

Izzy makes my life incredible - amazing, exciting, fabulous...but in some ways we both make each others lives scary too...and instead of running from that like I sometimes do now...from now on, I'm gonna stare it square in the face, because a life without Izzy isn't a life at all.

2003-08-01T13:32:00.000+01:00

In the Library...
I'm here in the library of NEOUCOM - North Eastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine - could you even try to think of a longer name? Yeah, I don't think so either. Anyways, this is Iz's Med School and he's currently in his second day of Orientation. Today we're looking at around 6 or so hours so I have to think of productive things to do to fill that time, I might resort to unproductive things however, just to fill the time. I'll keep you posted.
I have around three weeks left in the States now, being here for the summer has taught me a lot of things, it's interesting to see the things that I miss, some are what I thought I'd miss, others actually surprise me. Of course I miss my family and my home but I also miss my way of life in England, the way of life in England is very different to the way of life in the US, but then again, lately I've been thinking that maybe it's more the way of life of Izzy's family is different to the way of life of my family - I think that's a more accurate statement when I really think about it. It's always difficult adapting to living in somebody else's household, but I think the experience is opening my eyes to many things and is good for me.
I do love it here...America really rocks.

I'm sure I'll write more a little later, we'll see how my morning goes, man I could murder a cup of tea!

2003-07-24T02:15:00.000+01:00

So Izzy has requested that I write a fun, witty, exciting, and interesting blog post all-in-one.
I'm not sure that the fact that I have just survived almost being spat on (long, but extremely funny story) will help that much!

He also requested that I apologise to all you good people who actually visit my blog and indeed I now say sorry for taking so long to put up a new post. Do accept my sincere apologies.

That being said, I can get to the good stuff.

Can I just say that Izzy seriously has to be the most exciting, funny, loveable, all round wonderful boyfriend alive on this planet.
When he and I goof around, we have FUN I tell you!

I'm trying to track down couples who have been married for like 20 years and still have this much fun, cuz I sure as heck don't ever wanna lose it. Do you know how awesome it is to have someone that you can be so totally GOOFY around, and they just goof around with you!? It's AWESOME man!

We've been taking HUNDREDS of pictures, I'm looking forward so much to getting my favourites developed. I have lost count of how many pictures Izzy and I have of our relationship, we have albums and albums that track our relationship from the first day we met to now...it's perfect.
He even told me just now that he could photograph me all day *swoon*

I still have over three weeks here in America and I'm getting used to it more and more each day. I'm getting used to the way you turn out of an intersection, I'm getting used to houses with that strange (but I'm told, effective) plastic siding that all the houses seem to have out here (I'm not seeing a sea of brick like I'm used to back home)...I'm getting used to what it's like being in a new place with new and exciting things to experience, I'm getting better at learning what it is to be an 'American' but something that I don't think I'll ever get over is the wonder of the accents that you guys have. Seriously, I LOVE it. Nothing pleases me more than to just sit back and hear an American speak, your accent ROCKS guys.

Other than this all I can say is that I'm having the time of my life. I still find it a little difficult being away from home sometimes but that's to be expected being 3,700 miles away from everything I'm used to. I had a great convo with my 'mom' this morning though and, in the typical manner that all mothers seem to have, she can make everything better in a few soothing words. I wonder when you learn that as a mother? Do you have like classes or something? I dunno...
Having said all that, I'm getting used to what it's like being in America too...ya think I'll make a good American someday? ;-)

One other cool thing is that Izzy said that we can have a 'weiner' dog someday!!! (This was in one of our many "in the future..." conversations that we like to have sometimes) We saw one in the pet store and I think we both secretly fell in love with him right away, the other dogs were cute as heck but for some reason we kept staring at little Oscar (Izzy says we should call him Oscar, as in Oscar Mayer sausages for hot dogs - cute eh? ;-)), with his huge questioning brown eyes and tiny feet with even tinier claws and all those rolls of extra skin falling down his little stubby legs, his tail wagging as fast as it could! I wanted to take him home right there and then, but then I guess I can wait a few years ;-) so yeah, that was a cute convo, I like having "in the future' convo's sometimes.

I'll do better to keep up with you guys...thank you for reading! :)

2003-07-15T14:36:00.000+01:00

...part 2

I was afraid we would grow distant after my news, but eventually Izzy and I picked up and got right back on track. The Third Day Message Board Admins were giving away two free tickets to all the moderators and since I was one, I knew exactly who I wanted to take with me!
It just so happened that Third Day were playing in Cleveland (15 minutes away from Izzy) during my Spring Break from college, 10 months after we'd met. It didn't take long to organise and soon we were more excited than you could ever believe. My parents said that I could go, and Izzy's wonderful family seemed happy to have me stay for ten days. I even managed to afford the plane tickets and everything worked out perfectly.

I landed in America at 11p.m on April 3rd, the day after our birthday (yes, we share a birthday!) after my very first time on a plane EVER! (Great idea to try a transatlantic flight by yourself when you're just 19 and have never been on a plane before eh!?) The trip was exhilarating and I was so so excited to actually SEE Izzy in the flesh!
When I first landed, we missed each other! I didn't see him, apparently he'd seen me though, he just didn't know for sure that it was me and so didn't approach me because he'd seen another girl that looked just like me too! I went to get my bags and then came up to the terminal again and that's when I saw him. Wow. The first thing that hit me about him was his eyes. Izzy's eyes are seriously amazing and I guarantee that you have never seen anything like them on anyone else. They are so big and are a wonderful deep deep brown, they just sparkle somehow and he has the longest darkest eyelashes I've ever seen. I was honestly amazed by his eyes.
Ever the gentleman, he carried my bags to the car and we got in. I remember thinking as I sat there that this couldn't be real, I couldn't be in AMERICA with my best friend! But I was, and it was heaven.

We drove home, it only took 20 minutes, which was a beautiful change from the 5 hours it takes me to get to Gatwick! And when I arrived I was greeted by his parents. I felt quite at home right away and I was shown 'my' room. Izzy made me a chocolate milk (this much famed chocolate milk had come up in our conversations many a time!) and we hopped online to the boards to tell everyone I'd arrived. I e-mailed my parents and Shane and then went to bed.

The next day I woke up, and for a second forgot that I was really in a America! When it hit me though, I was excited all over again and got a sort of tingle all through me. I took a shower and got dressed and ready for ten days of excitement with my buddy.

The days went by and every new day was more fun than the last. We did all sorts of things, and as Izzy was still in school, I even got to check out some med school classes which I found extremely cool!
We went on a road trip to Canada to see Niagara Falls, we went to the zoo, on another mini road trip to Columbus to see the Apple Store (Izzy is in love with all things Macintosh) and just generally had a wonderful time in each other's company. I took about a million rolls of film and we have some wonderful photographs of that trip.

I think it was towards the middle of the trip that I started feeling confused. I read back in my journal now and find entries full of questioning statements regarding Izzy:
Why did I feel so comfortable with him? Why was it that I felt some sort of strange, indescribable bond with him that I had never felt with Shane? Why was it that we had SO much in common? Did I want something more than friends here?...and every time I thought I had an answer, something would be thrown into the works to confuse me again, Shane would call me, or I'd think about him and I knew that nothing could come of Izzy and I because I was engaged to Shane.

The concert came around and Izzy and I had the best time imaginable. We got to meet all the members of Third Day backstage before the concert began and chatted with them for a good while, we had amazing seats right in the centre of the row and had a really good view of the guys, we snapped pictures and sang along, cheered and whistled and looked at each other every now and then with huge beaming smiles on our faces! Towards the end of the concert, there was a slower song and we just turned towards each other at the same time and had this amazing, long, gorgeous hug as Third Day sang. I never wanted to let go and to know that we were sharing in this moment was incredible. I think it was during that hug that I knew that we had something more than friends developing here. The back of my mind was in turmoil every time I thought about Shane.

On the last day of my stay with Izzy in America, we stayed up all night talking. I was laying against his shoulder crying that I didn't want to leave and he had his arms around me, trying to comfort me.
After a while I heard him whisper "Things could be so different here" and my ears pricked up! I knew immediately exactly what he meant and so I said "Oh I know, I know" I started crying even more as I realised the magnitude of what he was saying and despair that I felt the same way washed over me as I knew it would be impossible for anything to happen between us.
"...There is so much that I wish I could say to you but I just can't"...I looked up at him as he said that and asked him what he meant. He just shook his head and told me that he couldn't tell me but I never broke my gaze...after a few minutes of this intense eye contact, he whispered again..."I so wish I could kiss you right now"...that was it, I turned to jelly! I couldn't believe he'd actually just said that to me, this kinda thing happens in the movies, not in real life! I let out a long breath and that was his cue, he leaned in and gave me the most wonderfully gentle, passionate kiss I've ever had. I kissed him back and when we pulled away he was smiling so much! I knew that what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn't help wanting to do it anyway, we kept kissing and finally I said "Izzy, what are we doing!?" He said nothing, he just held me in his arms and kissed me, and I was in heaven.

We stayed up all night. I layed my head in his lap and he stroked my hair and we talked. We talked for about 5 hours about Shane, and how I'd sort of just fallen into the engagement without really thinking about it, and he talked to me about Sara, about their relationship and he gave me advice, he told me he'd be there for me as I made the decision to end it with Shane.

In all honesty, the decision had been inside me for a long time but I just didn't have the courage to actually do it. Izzy gave me that courage and supported me the whole way. The next day I had to leave America and Izzy. Can you imagine what it feels like to have to fly further and further away from your best friend? The person whom you want to be with more than anything in the world? It was so so difficult and there were more than a few tears from both of us at the airport, it just felt so horrible that something that had turned out so well, had to turn into this.

When I got home finally it was very hard. I was tired from the trip, missing Izzy like crazy and knew that I had to face Shane and his family in my decision to break off our relationship. My own family were very supportive in my decision, as they hadn't really agreed with the relationship from the beginning, but even when we were together, they supported me in everything, and Izzy of course was behind me too, calling me up and not minding when all I did was cry to him over the phone, writing me cards to encourage me and show me how much he was growing to love me, sending me e-mails and e-cards and just generally being there for me, he healed me, I know that now.

When I think about that time now, I think that's what bonded Izzy and I all the more, the fact that he never stepped from my side, the fact that he was there for me throughout it all and helped me in any way he could. It would have been much harder to get over had it not been for Izzy.

... And now here we are, 15 months later, still together and going strong, growing more in love with every moment that we spend together. This is my guy, I love him more than anything and I think we fit SO SO well. We're looking brightly to the future and we talk about it a lot, nothing major can happen until we both finish school (we're both all done in 2005) but after that who knows...;-) All I know is that I'm happier with Izzy than I have been with any other relationship I've ever had. This is my fourth stay in the States and I love it more every time I come here...roll on with the future!

2003-07-14T21:25:00.000+01:00

How Izzy and Becka got together

(A two-part series)

Ok - so I know a few people now have asked me how Izzy and I got together, and as we were laying on the bed this morning watching TV, Izzy suggested that I write it all down, so that everyone can read how it happened, and also so that we have it as a memory for the future.

I met Izzy online in the middle of June 2001. I had been a member of the Third Day Message Boards for around 6 months when he joined up, and was in the process of becoming a moderator there. When he signed up he wrote this introduction thread all about himself and why he had come to the boards, I wish now that we'd saved it to read over, but it's long gone unfortunately.

Anyway, I was in a phase in my life where I wrote to every single person on the boards, I'd become wonderful friends with a lot of them but there hadn't been anyone new that I'd clicked with for a long time, so I wrote Izzy a Private Message, just saying Hi and welcome - that kinda thing.*
He wrote back pretty much straight away and we sent a few PM's back and forth. After about a week and a half, he sent me his Instant Messenger name and I added him to my buddy list.

(* - Izzy disputes this fact, saying that in fact, he was the one who wrote me a PM first, however I highly doubt that as I actually remember writing the first one...but then again with his ridiculously sharp memory, he may just be right, but I will say no more than MAY just be right however ;-) )

We had an awesome conversation the first time we spoke, we really seemed to hit it off and started getting to know each other and becoming good friends. After a while we discovered that we were always online at the same time.
I used to get up extremely early, we're talking around 5.45-6 a.m. here, and as I'm an early bird and Izzy is a night owl, because of the five hour time difference between Ohio and the U.K, we always managed to catch each other as I was waking up and he was going to sleep, and it soon became a ritual that both of us loved, and we hated it when we missed each other.

It didn't take long for us to get talking every single day. He would talk about how he hadn't really met anyone else on the boards with whom he hit it off so well, and I secretly wished it would carry on like that and we'd become better and better friends. Our convo's were a BLAST, they were SO SO funny and we would laugh and joke and have a great time. We'd talk for around an hour every day in the morning and then if ever I caught him online in the day, we'd chat then too.

When I first met Izzy, he had just gone through a really rough break up with his girlfriend of 3 years, Sara, two weeks earlier. There were some conversations where my heart just melted for him because I felt so bad about what he was going through. He kept trying to assure me that really he was a fun guy and that I'd just caught him at a bad time in his life. Sometimes we'd miss each other for a morning convo, and the next day he'd say that he just wasn't in a talking mood yet, and that I had to bear with him for a while. I felt so bad for him all through this time, wishing that there was something that I could do for him to make him feel better. But all I could do was to be there for him and talk to him whenever he needed it. Very slowly, very gradually, he started getting better, there were times when he still felt depressed, of course, but they were getting further apart and he seemed to be getting generally happier, slowly but surely.

Izzy was there for me through some huge monumental moments in my life too. I met him just before I graduated high school (although the system works a little differently in the UK, that's basically what it was).
He was there for me while I was taking my A-Levels (Exams that determine whether or not you get into college - they are a huge deal) ... I remember talking to Iz online the day I got my grades back, and how nervous I was.
When I got my score sheet it turned out that I'd missed getting the grades I needed for the college I wanted and I was devastated.
Iz was with me throughout all of this, the stress of going to the college to ask if they would take me, the elation at finding out that they would, then having my exam paper re-marked and the elation that followed again, as it turned out that I DID get the grades, the examiner had forgotten to count the marks from 2 whole questions! ... Iz was even there when I packed up my things and left home for the first time.

I managed to get into the college where I wanted to study Psychology - Loughborough University - it's where both my mother and uncle went, and where my late grandfather lectured as a professor, and I always said that if I couldn't go there, I didn't want to go anywhere, so I was delighted when I found out that I'd made the grades.

Our friendship progressed as I embarked on college life and he embarked on his second year of medical school. I remember how totally excited I was at the prospect of him being able to help me in my first year genetics class! (It's always the silly little things that you remember isn't it!?) ... and one night when I was in my dorm room, I suddenly felt all alone and scared. I'd never been away from home before, and even though my college isn't far away from where I live, I still felt scared.
I prayed and prayed that Izzy would get online, and when he did I was SO happy to see him! We talked for a good while over IM, and then we started talking about the first time we would talk on the phone. We rambled on and on about how exciting this would be before I finally said "Why don't I just call you now!?" - it seemed perfect, I knew he was in, so I knew I wouldn't have to go through the rigmorol of asking for him and explaining who I was, and I knew that he had time to talk right then and I needed someone to talk to, so we set it up. He threw over his digits and I called him.

I still remember how exciting that conversation was, and I'm smiling now as I remember it. As soon as I said "Izzy - GUESS WHO!?" we both started laughing and talking and it was so smooth and easy. His voice was AMAZING and I remember thinking about how beautiful it sounded. He of course remarked on my very English accent and we talked for around 45 minutes until the minutes ran out on my cell phone and we got cut off. We carried on talking over IM though, both of us so happy that it had gone so well, and so excited at this new facet of our relationship.

After that I'd call him whenever I was down or just fancied hearing that incredible voice ;-) We didn't call each other a HUGE amount, but whenever we did, the convo's were always wonderful :-)

It was around this time that I met someone else on the Third Day Message Boards - Shane Donahoo, a Navy sailor from Alabama, who'd posted a thread on the boards about how lonely he was, asking if anyone wanted to write him and kinda become pen-pals. Well, me still being in the 'I-have-to-write-to-anyone-and-everyone' phase, I wrote him back and we started a friendship.
We got to know each other, and posts on the boards slowly progressed to e-mails and photos and letters through the mail, and after about 2 months of friendship we got together as a couple.

It's actually really hard for me to remember all the details of how this relationship started because it all happened online and it all happened so fast, but I'll try ...

Looking back on it now I realise how stupid I was, but it is so easy to get caught up in a relationship when someone loves you that much, even if it's something that you don't really want. This is how it was with Shane.
He would write e-mails to me every day and I'd always reply, I'd talk to him about my then boyfriend, Steven, and he would give me advice when I was troubled. We just seemed to trust each other and grew very close in a very short space of time. Finally I realised, when I broke up with Ste, that I was in love with Shane and he told me that he felt the same.

When I look back on it, I think the reason that we moved so fast is because we weren't in 'real life' situations. I was in college where anything and everything goes!...and he was in the Navy, which is hardly a true representation of real life, and we liked each other a lot and just got together.
We'd never met, but the connection felt so strong that it just didn't seem to matter. It felt like I knew him inside out and he knew me too, it wasn't long before he was planning to take leave from the Navy and come see me.

This happened in January 2002. He took a leave of 20 days and spent 18 with me in England. I picked him up from Heathrow airport and when I saw him emerge from the terminal I went up to him and we just hugged and hugged.
I can't really describe the feeling of hugging someone like that when you've never met them before, I look back on it now and I can hardly believe that I did all of this, but of course, at the time it didn't seem strange at all.

During the time that Shane was with me, I hardly got chance to talk to Izzy at all, and I missed him a LOT. I wrote a few e-mails telling him how much I missed him, but I didn't want to lay it on TOOO thick, in case he thought it was kinda weird.

Then it came...
One night Shane and I were in my bedroom at home and we were talking about our relationship and where it was going and how we both felt etc. etc. He seemed to get kinda fidgety, which I thought was weird but I brushed it off. He looked into my eyes and asked me if I loved him, I replied that of course I did, but he kept at it and told me to tell him how much I loved him, I told him that I adored him and he hit me with it...
"I wanted to get you an engagement ring when I was back in Japan, but I didn't want to scare you, I love you Rebecca, I want to marry you."
I was floored! Had he just proposed? I actually felt decidedly uncomfortable because my mum had warned me not to get into anything too serious too soon and I told him this, he just replied that marriage was the next step in a committed relationship, so what was the big deal? I still didn't feel comfortable though and I told him this. He relaxed and said OK, he didn't want to rush me, he just told me to think about it.

A few days later we were in my dorm room back at college. I had just taken a decidedly nasty final and was feeling kinda low. He started talking about marriage again, and somehow this time, he managed to 'convince' me. Everyone knows that if you have to be 'convinced' into something as huge as marriage, it's not a good sign, but he picked his words carefully and they just seemed to make sense. Right then and there, he proposed to me in my college dorm room, down on one knee and everything, and since we didn't have the ring yet, he took the ring that I usually wear on my right hand, and gently slipped it onto my wedding finger...

The next day we went ring shopping and he proposed properly in a Starbucks that we dropped into to share a raspberry frappuccino.
The whole thing was unreal and after he'd left for the ship again, I told Izzy all about it. He was a little less than excited about my news and I felt bad, I'd missed him so much and then for our first conversation to be kinda downbeat felt horrible. He was just concerned that I hadn't made the right decision and tried to be the voice of reason, only problem was, I really didn't want to listen to reason!

Looks pretty grim for Izzy doesn't it? Tune in tomorrow for part 2...

2003-07-10T18:31:00.000+01:00

Day Twelve Dawns

So I've been here for twelve days now and it feels like I've been here always. Part of me thinks it's not long but part of me feels like I've always been here - weird.

As you can see, Becka's Reality has had a little face lift, praise is due entirely to Karen for making me the wonderful wonderful banner which is PERFECT and totally what I wanted ... and to Izzy for setting it all up for me and hosting all my images at his site. Thank you guys!!! I'm so so pleased with my blog now, I feel it's much more 'me' than it was before, and I love how it's turned out! You guys should check out Karen's blog and website - she is quite the artist.

Yesterday was a good one. Izzy did a few practice questions in the morning for the board exam he has in a couple of weeks, and I wrote in my journal. I got a little upset yesterday morning though. I was missing my family and getting all bummed out about how different everything is out here. I know that it's going to different and that I'm going to have to learn whole new ways of doing things but right now I don't know how, right now I feel very very clumsy and out of place and very incapable, and that's not a nice feeling. Add to that the fact that I was missing England and my family and you have a little crying episode on your hands!
I think I need to come to terms with the fact that it IS different living here and there WILL be times when I miss my family more than anything - it's just hard to make yourself come to terms with that, sometimes I don't even want to ... but the good times far outweigh the bad and I guess I should focus on them more than the scary stuff.
Izzy was great though, I told him how I was feeling and he's always very very understanding. I know he must get sick of me crying that I miss home and my family but he never shows it, he always lets me talk to him, lets me get it all off my chest. He is endlessly patient and kind and gives me hugs and encouragement which is exactly what I needed yesterday. I layed down next to him on the bed and watched him answer questions, he kissed my head every now and then and it felt good. I love how understanding he is about my situation. Thank you God for a patient boyfriend!

We spent the afternoon in Barnes and Noble, which is fast becoming my most favourite place in America!!! We were there nearly three hours and I finished a book I was reading I Did, I Do, Now What? - A brilliant book about marriage after the wedding - totally hilarious.

After study, we went out to eat at Friendly's - but not before Izzy pretended to drive away in the parking lot without me! He just unlocked his door, but not mine, and then started slowly reversing! I was absolutely mortified as I was left just standing there, my face turning red and my laughter getting louder. When he finally let me in, he said it showed how truly English I was that I was more embarrassed about being seen by other people in the parking lot than I was about actually being left there!
And so to Friendly's - I LOVE Friendly's and would actually live on their chicken fingers with honey mustard for the rest of my life if I could. We had some funny conversations. While we were waiting for the food to arrive, Iz kept trying to throw various assorted items down my top, including a crumpled up straw packet and a little bag of white sugar, both of which he succeeded in getting down there eventually, which was exceedingly embarrassing because it wasn't really as if I could reach down there and fish them out! We just sat there laughing hysterically, with tears rolling down our cheeks, my face getting redder and redder, until the said items finally fell down my top and I fished them out - funny times. We have a lot of fun together, we laugh a LOT, it's so great!

So yeah, today we're chillin' in the house, which is wonderful because it means that I get to update my blog, write in my journal and do some more scrapbooking - I'm keeping a scrapbook of our relationship - with all our ticket stubs and little IM conversations and leaflets we pick up from days out - it's turning out really nicely!

Hope everyone has a great day - life for Becka is gooood right now. :)

2003-07-08T00:37:00.000+01:00

Pictures...

So I've been here a week now and I've decided that I need to take more photographs. I don't know what it is about me and photographs but I seriously seriously LOVE taking them. Izzy and I have around two thousand photos that we've taken together and I can't get enough. I have four albums chock full at home and am lustfully eyeing over a new one that I want to get when I get back. I also want to go through all the photos on my laptop and get prints of them and really organise everything. I'm such a freak, I love organising and sorting stuff out, getting everything tidy and fresh and sorted ... mmmmmm ... yes - I'm weird, I know this.
I just don't want to be one of those people who wished they had more photos or more memories of things ya know? And I guess what with all my photo albums and scrapbooks and paper journals, it should never be a problem for me. I find it highly pleasurable just documenting life. Especially my life with Izzy. I'm so happy right now and I don't ever want to forget these moments.

Yesterday we went to Chagrin Falls - if you've never been you should totally go, I don't care where you live, it's worth it! It's absolutely beautiful. We sat on a picnic bench with apple juice and Pepsi Blue and Izzy studied while I wrote in my journal. I don't think I'll ever lose that passion, I hope I can always find time for it.
I took some pictures, Izzy took some video, we had a wonderful day. It's kinda like 'our spot' - a place that we go to every time we're together and everything is bliss. No matter what is going on in the world, everything is always OK at the pond :)

That evening we ate at Olive Garden. This guy is amazing, he treats me so so well. The meal was delicious and the company, impeccable. We talked and laughed because I was so engrossed in the menu that the waiter made me jump out of my skin, skulking up to the table and asking me what I'd like to drink - OK, I guess he didn't really skulk, but it seemed like it to me! We had a great time. I hope we never lose that. Izzy says to always give our relationship the benefit of the doubt, and this is a state of mind that I really admire about him. He always looks for the best in us and never sweats the small stuff. I on the other hand have a tendency to go a lil OTT with things sometimes, which in the grand scheme of things, just don't matter, so I like how he brings me back to reality and shows me that we are doing just fine.

This afternoon we spent a few hours in Barnes and Noble. This is one store that I seriously wish we'd get in the U.K. Although I highly doubt that it'll ever happen because B&N is SO HUGE and I think England is too small for it! I LOVE LOVE LOVE bookstores, something about them just draws me to them, Bookstores and Starbucks - my two favourite places in the world! However much I love B&N though, I'm also quite partial to the good old Waterstones that we have in Nottingham (back home). It has red leather couches and the third floor smells like coffee. That's usually where I head since it has all the relationship and 'life in general' books that I'm so fond of. I think there is no pleasure greater than reading, writing and sipping cappuccino - therein lies perfection :)

So, on the whole, a good few days lately. Independence day was wonderful - SO much GOOD FOOD! I can't believe it's been a year since last July 4th - sounds like a stupid comment to make but I was here last year at this time too and it just seems to have flown by!

Izzy brought up an interesting proposition for me this afternoon as we were driving home in a rain storm. I have a cello at home, which I never play, and he suggested that I sell it and buy a mac. The conversation was so exciting but I don't know if I could ever do that. I just don't know if I could ever sell my cello - I love it so much. It's a 1900 German cello and is the most beautiful instrument you will ever see ... strange how attached to things you can become isn't it? I dunno - something to ponder over. I like it when I have something like that to ponder over

Anyway people, life is goooooood ...

2003-07-03T21:39:00.000+01:00

Happy

Tonight we're going on a 'date' - this excites me because we don't often get the chance to do this kinda thing and I want to cherish it when we do. We're headed out later for a bite to eat and then we're gonna catch a movie - should be good :)

Today marks another day of studying for Izzy ... the days go by slow but sure and I really don't think I can think of anything more wonderful than sitting here with him. We spend the whole day in his room, going downstairs to get snacks and drinks every now and then, taking lil internet breaks but mostly he's studyin' and I'm surfin' and I gotta tell you, there is some AWESOME stuff on the net! Mainly it comes down to blogging sites really ... they fascinate me and I'm having a wonderful time discovering so many new ones and putting my own blog on different directories and linking sites - it's great! It's like I've tapped into a little unknown gold mine on the internet and I'm having so much fun with it!

The bad thing is that so much is happening and I'm not documenting it all in my journal. I tell myself that I don't want to become anal about writing down every single little moment, but whenever I say that, a part of me wishes that I DID document every single little moment, just so that I can relive it later.
I think tonight I'll just go through and bullet point the important things that I want to remember from the past three days, then I'll make a concerted effort to write in my book everyday. I wonder what it is that makes me so crazy about journaling? ... Ya think it's like genetic or something!?

Iz says that's what I should do for my final year project at college ... 'Things which are inborn' ... it's a wonderful idea but I don't know exactly how I'd go about carrying out a study on that.
If anyone has ANY ideas as to what I should do for my final year project ... hit me with them. Right now I'm drawing too many blanks and I have to have a fair idea about what I want to concentrate on when I go back to college in September - oh the nerves ... I just won't think about it right now! The joys of a Psychology degree.

For now though I think I'll go put up my hair and slap a little make up on - I've been lounging round the house with no make up on all day and it's making me feel lethargic LOL - I'm weird I know but I hate feeling lethargic and not bothered to do anything so I'll shake myself up and go make me look beautiful ;-) ... ah well, at least I'll try ...

2003-07-02T20:51:00.000+01:00

The Third Day Dawns

So despite the fact that I was online all day yesterday, I didn't ever seem in the mood to update my blog. Here I am today however all ready and raring to go :)
The third day in America dawns and I'm having a wonderful time. The best thing about it is obviously being with Izzy, but it's also experiencing what it's like to live in a different country for two months. I don't suspect that there are that many people who can say they've lived in another country for so long - it's great!
I also love that I don't have to work. I'm finding all sorts of little gems on the internet that I never knew were there - searching through new blogs I haven't read, finding new sites I haven't seen, adding all sorts of little extras to my blog and changing the template around a little. I'm having a wonderful wonderful time!

You may notice that I've joined Blogging Brits - check it out, it looks pretty cool!

It's so amazing being with Izzy all day every day - it's seriously spoiling the heck outta me. Even though he'll be studying for the next three or so weeks, I still love it because I'm here with him. It's even better than him being in school because even though he's concentrating I can still share lil tid bits that I've found and we laugh about them and he smiles at me.
I think Izzy must look at me in a completely different way to the way he looks at other things and other people - because when he looks into my eyes I can't explain what I see. They're SO dark and SO big and SO wonderful! My guy has beautiful eyes, to echo a statement that I read in the book I was reading day before yesterday - "Beautiful eyes ... so wasted on a man" ;-)

I'm cherishing the moments we get to spend together. I look forward to learning as much as I can and seeing the world through America's eyes ... so far, I like what I see :)

...And now...I think I'll get back to massaging his feet ;-)

Au Revoir

2003-06-30T22:10:00.000+01:00

GOOD MORNING AMERICA!

Hey everyone ... I'M HERE!!! After a grueling journey that lasted 17 hours I'm right now sitting on the floor of Izzy's room, leaning against his bed, he's lying on the bed studying and the incredible smells of his dad's excellent chicken stew are wafting up the stairs, every now and then Izzy leans over and genly kisses me. Life is goooood.
I'm hoping to write everyday pretty much over the summer. I have a lot more time now that I'm not at work, and since Izzy has to study a lot, as long as we're at home I can write away to my hearts content on this GORGEOUS Apple powerbook! (Man I want one) and even more gorgeous wireless internet, oh yes, my guy is all about the technology!
This relationship excites me so much, what makes me more amazed than anything though is the way he is with me, so gentle and beautiful, all the time. It seems that he knows just when I want a hug, just when I want to be kissed and just how to kiss me. The way he looks at me shows me that I've found something special in this guy and I never want to let it go because I just know I'll never find it again.
This morning we had breakfast (Coco Crispies - or whatever you guys call them, back in the UK we call them Coco Pops, which I think has a much nicer ring to it than Cocoa Crispies, but then in all things to do with the UK I am exceedingly biased!), then headed out to Barnes and Noble, one thing that I seriously wish they had in the UK, I can wile away hours at B&N and there we were this afternoon from around 12.30 till 3.30. Izzy got a good three hours studying in and I read an absolutely hilarious book about marriage and what it is to be a 'wife' - not quite sure why I put that in inverted commas though LOL
So yeah, everything is going great, it's just so wonderful to be with him again and to have the prospect of being with him for a while this time. No devastating goodbyes are looming up just yet, which is much better than last year when I stayed for seven days in July! I don't know if we could do that now, this two months is sure gonna spoil us for the future.

Well, that's all for now. I'll be heading back very regularly so keep the comments comin' - I love knowing that you guys read what I'm up to, I love my lil band of followers :)

2003-06-27T19:50:00.000+01:00

America here I come!

As I sit here in my dad’s office, it’s pouring with rain outside … has been all day. Almost as if England is saying – ‘thought I’d give you a little of what you’re used to before you jet off for hotter lands!’ … I said goodbye to my grandparents tonight, it felt so so strange hugging them goodbye knowing I’m not going to see them for two months. I haven’t seen my other grandmother in a month so it’ll be even longer before I see her … I was talking with mum in the car and she said I’ll probably not see her for three months, I’ll probably see my family that often when I’m living in America!
So tomorrow I jet off. Really it’s very early Sunday morning but since I’ll be packing and organising all day tomorrow, this will be my last entry before I leave.
I’m getting nervous again …

Funny, I never used to be nervous of flying, and I’m not really nervous now, just a little apprehensive perhaps, although that is to be expected before such a long trip.

So next time you hear from me I’ll be in the States! Send a few good wishes my way when you look up into the sky and hear a plane won’t you!?

2003-06-26T10:24:00.000+01:00

Almost Gone ...

Been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately but what with being at work for 48 hours this week, I’ve not had much time, and to be honest with you, no inclination, to share it all. I will try harder though, and will probably be updating much more when I hit the States, which happens in three days by the way! I hit the shores across the pond at 3.30 p.m on Sunday 29th June. Wow.
This will be my fourth stay in the States, it’s funny, America seems less like a holiday destination to me now and more like a second home. People at work are saying “ooooh, you must be excited about your holiday!” But I’m not really seeing it as a holiday; I’m seeing it more as staying in my other home for a while. I know my way around better than I would if it was just a holiday destination, and I learn more and more about it every time I go there. I’m learning about the way the roads work, the way the people are, the various different words in the lingo of Americans that I am totally happy that I know … you say restroom to most people in this country and they’re like …. “eh?” Hahaha – seriously weird how different we are.
You know what excites me most about the prospect of living in America? It’s the fact that I’m going to learn so much and yet still know the way in which my own country operates. I behave very differently in both countries and to know that I’ll never lose that is something of a comfort to me. I’ll learn how to act in the States and yet I’ll never lose the ability to fit in in the UK either, and that is a really amazing prospect to me … makes me feel great!
I’m working today and tomorrow and then I have Saturday off to pack. I was thinking of starting some of it this morning too, I might just do that, it gets me all the more excited!
I’m always worried that I’ll forget something though – why don’t I ever keep the lists that I make of things to pack!? If anyone can think of anything completely essential that I need to remember – do let me know! I’m open to suggestions!
So now I’ll head out, get a cup of tea, finish my journal entry and pack a little.
The life I lead is such a mixed bag of emotions. Anyone else’s life like that?
So many things are bittersweet … Just a little pondering to finish with!

2003-06-20T14:23:00.000+01:00

Today I said Good-bye …

Today is the day I finish up all my clearing out by clearing out every trace of every past boyfriend I’ve ever had in my life.
Particularly my ex-fiancé.
Izzy and I had the most amazing conversation last night and we both decided that it was time to let go of the past … today I let go of Shane, and in summer when I’m with Izzy, I’ll help him let go of Sara.
It was so weird, the past four days I’ve been clearing out my room, getting rid of traces of the past and heaping them all into giant black bin bags, they’ve been piling up one after the other outside my bedroom door and it’s felt so so good.
Last night I heaved the giant box from the back of my wardrobe that holds all the things that Shane ever gave me, next to this were two enormous ring binders full of every single e-mail and letter and card he’d ever sent me, and nestling at the bottom was the journal that I wrote for him. Amongst it all were mugs and plaques, photographs and note cards books and birthday cards, Christmas and even Valentine’s cards, mainly from his him, some from his family.
I placed all the mugs carefully in a huge black bag, the cards, read one last time followed suit, as I smiled, remembering the days I received them. Then it was onto his stuff, this was harder to do but yet not half as hard as I thought it would be …
The cologne went first – ‘Cool Water’ by Davidoff, the cuddly toys and personalised mugs that he bought me, the plaque entitled “It takes three for marriage to work” – a beautiful poem emphasising the role of God in a marriage (although to be honest, it’s not really the sort of thing I like to display around the house, I’m not much of a ‘plaque’ person) … next came the necklace – 18 carat gold with thirty-two tiny diamonds placed into the gold in the shape of a heart – I can’t just give this away, he never told me how much it cost, but judging by how secretive he was about it and how much he needed to know that I liked it, I’d say a LOT … I’m going to have it appraised and see if I can sell it, I don’t know what else to do with it, I’m certainly never going to wear it again …
Soon everything was in the black bag and all that was left were the e-mails and letters. I called Izzy and then went to bed, determined to do something about them in the morning.
And so came this morning. Mum and I loaded everything into the car and headed to the rubbish dump, it felt strange as I threw bag after bag after bag of my past into the huge skip, but at the same time, it felt strangely liberating, freeing, wonderful!
When we got back I came up to my room, there lay the binders sitting next to the large electric shredding machine. I didn’t even think – I just pulled out page after page after page of e-mail, pushing it through the shredder one by one and loading the pieces into a giant box, which my dad says we can put on the bonfire. It was amazing, took me over an hour, just watching all that love disappearing into nothing, disappearing into shredded pieces that you couldn’t read even if you tried.
I was strangely emotionless. It felt like I should be crying somehow, but I wasn’t even close to that, not sad at all, more wistful I guess, more pondering, watching our relationship disappear into nothing.
I smile at how little I knew him – at the time I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but when I look back now, I remember nothing. Looking at the pictures we took, he looks like a stranger staring back at me from the photograph. I’ve don’t remember the way he felt, the way he looked at me, the things he said to me, they’ve gone from my memory, I remember very little of our relationship if I’m honest and it makes me smile at how foolish I was.
Crazy what young love can do to you …
I also smile at what I have now … to compare the two is like trying to compare chalk and cheese, they couldn’t be more different if they tried – now I know my man, I know the way he feels, I feel it in my sleep, I know the way he looks at me and when I look at our photographs I see my guy looking back at me, every contour, every inch of his face memorised, stored in my head, his eyes, I know their exact shade, I know their shadows, I know the way they look longingly into mine … I know his voice, I know what he likes to say to me and the way he likes to say it … now I know my man and it feels incredible.

This week has been so good for me, it’s been a long time since I’ve had the chance to really take stock of my life and organise it the way I have done these past five days, and you know what? I couldn’t feel better. I feel like a new person, refreshed, invigorated, wildly free and deliciously happy … guess I should do cleaning more often! ;-)

2003-06-19T10:23:00.000+01:00

Domestic Goddess ;-)

These past few days I’ve been clearing out my bedroom … and when I say clearing out I really mean clearing out! I’ve thrown away tons of stuff, been extremely ruthless and am more than happy with the result. I don’t know what it is about me that loves cleaning and organising so much. I think I get it from my mother. She is just about as crazy as cleaning as I am – maybe it’s in the genes?
Incidentally they’ve discovered that whether you’re a morning person or a night person is found in your genes – did you know that!? I thought it was really interesting, that would explain why Izzy finds it so hard to wake up in the morning and why I’m falling asleep by 11pm! We just have different genes I guess … I’m most definitely a morning person, no doubt about that. Since I was a little girl I’ve been getting up at the crack of dawn, much to the dismay of my parents who were so glad that I couldn’t reach the door handle of my room to escape … and when I could, then they got a little annoyed!
If Izzy and I get married, I wonder whether our children will be morning people or evening people? Early birds or Night owls? I guess one is just as good as the other, although there’s nothing worse than that feeling of not being able to get up in the morning – I usually experience it when Izzy and I stay up until 6.30 in the morning and then wake up at 8.30 two hours later, yeah, that’ll give you that ‘I seriously don’t wanna get up’ feeling.
That’s what we did the night we got together, we stayed up talking until 6.30 a.m on the Sunday that I had to leave, we got two hours sleep and then were up again at 8.30 a.m, packing my things, crying inside that we had to leave each other having just got together. I seriously don’t know how I’d do that now, maybe it’s because I love him more now, because our love has grown into something much more than it was at the start, but even at the start there was always that glint that this was something more than special. Maybe I’ll post the story of how we got together one day … have to ask Iz if that’s ok.
Aren’t relationships incredible? I was thinking last night about the differences between relationships between two people and all other relationships you have, the differences are immense, especially with family relationships, most people, especially me, love their family with everything that they have, and that’s just the way it’s always been, you grow up programmed to adore your family (at least I am, I’ve never had any problems with my family at all) but to actually CHOOSE to love someone that much, and to find someone who will love you that much back – don’t you find that kinda amazing? And sorta unlikely given the number of people that there are in the world! What are the chances of finding someone who you can adore, who will adore you back? I think people in love are luckier than they think. Thank you Izzy :-)
So as for today, today marks the fourth day of cleaning, I’m going to shampoo my bedroom carpet and organise my school folders, then if I have time I’m gonna clean the bathroom and finish the ironing! A woman’s work is never done ;-)

2003-06-17T15:22:00.000+01:00

YAY An update!
Oh sigh sigh sigh, five days with no update! It’s funny because on the blogs I read every day, if someone doesn’t update in five days I get all annoyed LOL – Now I’m just as bad, sorry everyone. *sheepish look*
I’ve been moving back home. Second year of university is done and now I’m home for almost two weeks before I fly to the States for the summer. The anticipation of spending that much time in America is so exciting and at the same time so scary! Scary because it’s everything I’m not used to, scary because it’s away from my family and everything I know but exciting because I’m going to GET to know it … I’m going to make a conscious effort to note down the scenarios in which I’m clueless LOL or the times when I feel out of place or strange, I want to note them down, maybe in this blog, and then work on them, work on making them better on changing so that I ‘fit in’, so that I know what I’m doing, so that I’m comfortable there … sometimes I get the most amazing wave of excitement surge through me when I think about LIVING in America, so many people over here would kill to live in the states and I have it all planned out in front of me, I have an incredible future ahead of me when you think about it, and incredible man who I would do anything for, a wonderful supportive family behind me who I know will always be here when I need them, a home, perhaps far away, but a home that I can come back to and love all the more for not being there all the time. But I’ll have a new home too, that I can grow to love, a new home that can grow to love me back and get to know me, new friends, new neighbours, a new view out of my window when I wake up in the morning and a different smell to the air. I’m looking forward to the adventure that is my future, and I feel utterly blessed to be able to live the life that I do.
Mmmmmmmmm :)

2003-06-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

LAST DAY!
Today is my mum's birthday, it's also my last day at University this year, my last day at 'the house' (we've just come to call it 'the house') - the last day with the room mates that I've lived with for nine months, weird feeling.
Part of me doesn't want to move, I don't want to leave my friends, my high speed internet access! Evenings of relaxing and doing just what I like ... I'm going to miss them terribly. But the other half of me can't wait to start the summer. Summer is my favourite time of the year, no doubt, the long warm days, the barbeques, sunglasses, cool tops, bare toes and nail polish, I can't wait to spend my summer in America - the trip of a lifetime ... I'm in a strange mood right now of not really wanting to do anything, so I'm gonna take photos of my house so I can remember it forever :)
P.S - I've decided to leave that photo of Izzy and I at the top of the page, I think it looks great! :)

2003-06-10T21:35:00.000+01:00

Uh oh ...
Wow so I'm feeling a little guilty for letting my blog slide for so long ... I'm sorry peeps, that is if anyone even noticed that I haven't updated in a while *wink*
I've been deep within the nastiness of FINALS but now they're OVER and I am FINISHED with my second year of University! This freaks me out somewhat but it's exciting at the same time, I now have exactly one year until I graduate, one year until I'm done with education! Very strange.
The thing that scares me is that I'm not entirely sure what I want to do after uni, I know I'm taking a year out to get my performance diploma in piano, and I know I'm more than likely going to end up in America (this is another post entirely - must work on that) but I don't know what I want to DO with my life.
Sometimes I sit back and I just dream of being a housewife, of laundry days and baking days and mornings writing in my journal, arranging flowers in the flower room cut fresh from the garden, dusting books on the shelves in my writing room and smiling at how gorgeous it looks, leaving the windows open and airing the beds, poring over housekeeping books and magazine articles, gleaning every last tip that I can find and storing it away in my memory for future use ... am I crazy? Am I the ONLY girl on the planet who thinks like this?
I'm beginning to think that I am, in this world of feminism and high flying business women and equal opportunities, and I am ALL for them, believe me, I just find a quiet happy existence looking after a home much more appealing than going out getting splinters on the corporate ladder ... strange?
But then I think that must be a rather lonely existence, in the house most of the day, waiting for the gorgeous husband to get home, especially if I won't be near my family. I would me more than content with that if I had my mum around the corner to spend the morning with or go to coffee with, or garden and bake with, but without her the picture becomes darker and more scary ... I need to work on not being scared of finding out who I am away from my family - millions of people do it every day, why am I finding it so hard to adjust to the idea of living away from them?
Ah well, I suppose the gift of being young is that I have time to work all this out, I don't have to think about what I'm going to do two years from now because now is now and not two years from now... I have time on my side, so much time ...
I shall however, endevour to keep a better watch over this blog from now on, now that my finals are over ... we shall see how it goes :)

Becka.

P.S - Isn't that just the most awesome picture of Izzy and I? I think it's my absolute favourite ... just fancied putting it up :)

2003-06-04T08:18:00.000+01:00

Pondering quietly...
So I'm sitting here this morning with a cup of hot tea and a huge piece of chocolate cake, perhaps chocolate cake doesn't make the best breakfast but what are ya gonna do eh? ;-) Today marks the day of my third final out of five, to think that by June 10th I'll have finished my second year of college scares me more than I ever thought it would, it's going so fast, slipping by at a rate which I can't slow down ... but it's good I guess, and I'm learning a LOT about life and love as I go through, more than I ever learned at high school or before that. I think it's because I'm at a time in my life which involves so many changes, so many transitions, moving from home to college, taking a break from piano, realising what I want out of life, becoming an adult - it's all very scary but so so exciting at the same time.
I don't think my life could be made much more wonderful if it tried ... I love being the optimist!