GOOD MORNING AMERICA!

Hey everyone ... I'M HERE!!! After a grueling journey that lasted 17 hours I'm right now sitting on the floor of Izzy's room, leaning against his bed, he's lying on the bed studying and the incredible smells of his dad's excellent chicken stew are wafting up the stairs, every now and then Izzy leans over and genly kisses me. Life is goooood.
I'm hoping to write everyday pretty much over the summer. I have a lot more time now that I'm not at work, and since Izzy has to study a lot, as long as we're at home I can write away to my hearts content on this GORGEOUS Apple powerbook! (Man I want one) and even more gorgeous wireless internet, oh yes, my guy is all about the technology!
This relationship excites me so much, what makes me more amazed than anything though is the way he is with me, so gentle and beautiful, all the time. It seems that he knows just when I want a hug, just when I want to be kissed and just how to kiss me. The way he looks at me shows me that I've found something special in this guy and I never want to let it go because I just know I'll never find it again.
This morning we had breakfast (Coco Crispies - or whatever you guys call them, back in the UK we call them Coco Pops, which I think has a much nicer ring to it than Cocoa Crispies, but then in all things to do with the UK I am exceedingly biased!), then headed out to Barnes and Noble, one thing that I seriously wish they had in the UK, I can wile away hours at B&N and there we were this afternoon from around 12.30 till 3.30. Izzy got a good three hours studying in and I read an absolutely hilarious book about marriage and what it is to be a 'wife' - not quite sure why I put that in inverted commas though LOL
So yeah, everything is going great, it's just so wonderful to be with him again and to have the prospect of being with him for a while this time. No devastating goodbyes are looming up just yet, which is much better than last year when I stayed for seven days in July! I don't know if we could do that now, this two months is sure gonna spoil us for the future.

Well, that's all for now. I'll be heading back very regularly so keep the comments comin' - I love knowing that you guys read what I'm up to, I love my lil band of followers :)

America here I come!

As I sit here in my dad’s office, it’s pouring with rain outside … has been all day. Almost as if England is saying – ‘thought I’d give you a little of what you’re used to before you jet off for hotter lands!’ … I said goodbye to my grandparents tonight, it felt so so strange hugging them goodbye knowing I’m not going to see them for two months. I haven’t seen my other grandmother in a month so it’ll be even longer before I see her … I was talking with mum in the car and she said I’ll probably not see her for three months, I’ll probably see my family that often when I’m living in America!
So tomorrow I jet off. Really it’s very early Sunday morning but since I’ll be packing and organising all day tomorrow, this will be my last entry before I leave.
I’m getting nervous again …

Funny, I never used to be nervous of flying, and I’m not really nervous now, just a little apprehensive perhaps, although that is to be expected before such a long trip.

So next time you hear from me I’ll be in the States! Send a few good wishes my way when you look up into the sky and hear a plane won’t you!?

Almost Gone ...

Been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately but what with being at work for 48 hours this week, I’ve not had much time, and to be honest with you, no inclination, to share it all. I will try harder though, and will probably be updating much more when I hit the States, which happens in three days by the way! I hit the shores across the pond at 3.30 p.m on Sunday 29th June. Wow.
This will be my fourth stay in the States, it’s funny, America seems less like a holiday destination to me now and more like a second home. People at work are saying “ooooh, you must be excited about your holiday!” But I’m not really seeing it as a holiday; I’m seeing it more as staying in my other home for a while. I know my way around better than I would if it was just a holiday destination, and I learn more and more about it every time I go there. I’m learning about the way the roads work, the way the people are, the various different words in the lingo of Americans that I am totally happy that I know … you say restroom to most people in this country and they’re like …. “eh?” Hahaha – seriously weird how different we are.
You know what excites me most about the prospect of living in America? It’s the fact that I’m going to learn so much and yet still know the way in which my own country operates. I behave very differently in both countries and to know that I’ll never lose that is something of a comfort to me. I’ll learn how to act in the States and yet I’ll never lose the ability to fit in in the UK either, and that is a really amazing prospect to me … makes me feel great!
I’m working today and tomorrow and then I have Saturday off to pack. I was thinking of starting some of it this morning too, I might just do that, it gets me all the more excited!
I’m always worried that I’ll forget something though – why don’t I ever keep the lists that I make of things to pack!? If anyone can think of anything completely essential that I need to remember – do let me know! I’m open to suggestions!
So now I’ll head out, get a cup of tea, finish my journal entry and pack a little.
The life I lead is such a mixed bag of emotions. Anyone else’s life like that?
So many things are bittersweet … Just a little pondering to finish with!

Today I said Good-bye …

Today is the day I finish up all my clearing out by clearing out every trace of every past boyfriend I’ve ever had in my life.
Particularly my ex-fiancé.
Izzy and I had the most amazing conversation last night and we both decided that it was time to let go of the past … today I let go of Shane, and in summer when I’m with Izzy, I’ll help him let go of Sara.
It was so weird, the past four days I’ve been clearing out my room, getting rid of traces of the past and heaping them all into giant black bin bags, they’ve been piling up one after the other outside my bedroom door and it’s felt so so good.
Last night I heaved the giant box from the back of my wardrobe that holds all the things that Shane ever gave me, next to this were two enormous ring binders full of every single e-mail and letter and card he’d ever sent me, and nestling at the bottom was the journal that I wrote for him. Amongst it all were mugs and plaques, photographs and note cards books and birthday cards, Christmas and even Valentine’s cards, mainly from his him, some from his family.
I placed all the mugs carefully in a huge black bag, the cards, read one last time followed suit, as I smiled, remembering the days I received them. Then it was onto his stuff, this was harder to do but yet not half as hard as I thought it would be …
The cologne went first – ‘Cool Water’ by Davidoff, the cuddly toys and personalised mugs that he bought me, the plaque entitled “It takes three for marriage to work” – a beautiful poem emphasising the role of God in a marriage (although to be honest, it’s not really the sort of thing I like to display around the house, I’m not much of a ‘plaque’ person) … next came the necklace – 18 carat gold with thirty-two tiny diamonds placed into the gold in the shape of a heart – I can’t just give this away, he never told me how much it cost, but judging by how secretive he was about it and how much he needed to know that I liked it, I’d say a LOT … I’m going to have it appraised and see if I can sell it, I don’t know what else to do with it, I’m certainly never going to wear it again …
Soon everything was in the black bag and all that was left were the e-mails and letters. I called Izzy and then went to bed, determined to do something about them in the morning.
And so came this morning. Mum and I loaded everything into the car and headed to the rubbish dump, it felt strange as I threw bag after bag after bag of my past into the huge skip, but at the same time, it felt strangely liberating, freeing, wonderful!
When we got back I came up to my room, there lay the binders sitting next to the large electric shredding machine. I didn’t even think – I just pulled out page after page after page of e-mail, pushing it through the shredder one by one and loading the pieces into a giant box, which my dad says we can put on the bonfire. It was amazing, took me over an hour, just watching all that love disappearing into nothing, disappearing into shredded pieces that you couldn’t read even if you tried.
I was strangely emotionless. It felt like I should be crying somehow, but I wasn’t even close to that, not sad at all, more wistful I guess, more pondering, watching our relationship disappear into nothing.
I smile at how little I knew him – at the time I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but when I look back now, I remember nothing. Looking at the pictures we took, he looks like a stranger staring back at me from the photograph. I’ve don’t remember the way he felt, the way he looked at me, the things he said to me, they’ve gone from my memory, I remember very little of our relationship if I’m honest and it makes me smile at how foolish I was.
Crazy what young love can do to you …
I also smile at what I have now … to compare the two is like trying to compare chalk and cheese, they couldn’t be more different if they tried – now I know my man, I know the way he feels, I feel it in my sleep, I know the way he looks at me and when I look at our photographs I see my guy looking back at me, every contour, every inch of his face memorised, stored in my head, his eyes, I know their exact shade, I know their shadows, I know the way they look longingly into mine … I know his voice, I know what he likes to say to me and the way he likes to say it … now I know my man and it feels incredible.

This week has been so good for me, it’s been a long time since I’ve had the chance to really take stock of my life and organise it the way I have done these past five days, and you know what? I couldn’t feel better. I feel like a new person, refreshed, invigorated, wildly free and deliciously happy … guess I should do cleaning more often! ;-)

Domestic Goddess ;-)

These past few days I’ve been clearing out my bedroom … and when I say clearing out I really mean clearing out! I’ve thrown away tons of stuff, been extremely ruthless and am more than happy with the result. I don’t know what it is about me that loves cleaning and organising so much. I think I get it from my mother. She is just about as crazy as cleaning as I am – maybe it’s in the genes?
Incidentally they’ve discovered that whether you’re a morning person or a night person is found in your genes – did you know that!? I thought it was really interesting, that would explain why Izzy finds it so hard to wake up in the morning and why I’m falling asleep by 11pm! We just have different genes I guess … I’m most definitely a morning person, no doubt about that. Since I was a little girl I’ve been getting up at the crack of dawn, much to the dismay of my parents who were so glad that I couldn’t reach the door handle of my room to escape … and when I could, then they got a little annoyed!
If Izzy and I get married, I wonder whether our children will be morning people or evening people? Early birds or Night owls? I guess one is just as good as the other, although there’s nothing worse than that feeling of not being able to get up in the morning – I usually experience it when Izzy and I stay up until 6.30 in the morning and then wake up at 8.30 two hours later, yeah, that’ll give you that ‘I seriously don’t wanna get up’ feeling.
That’s what we did the night we got together, we stayed up talking until 6.30 a.m on the Sunday that I had to leave, we got two hours sleep and then were up again at 8.30 a.m, packing my things, crying inside that we had to leave each other having just got together. I seriously don’t know how I’d do that now, maybe it’s because I love him more now, because our love has grown into something much more than it was at the start, but even at the start there was always that glint that this was something more than special. Maybe I’ll post the story of how we got together one day … have to ask Iz if that’s ok.
Aren’t relationships incredible? I was thinking last night about the differences between relationships between two people and all other relationships you have, the differences are immense, especially with family relationships, most people, especially me, love their family with everything that they have, and that’s just the way it’s always been, you grow up programmed to adore your family (at least I am, I’ve never had any problems with my family at all) but to actually CHOOSE to love someone that much, and to find someone who will love you that much back – don’t you find that kinda amazing? And sorta unlikely given the number of people that there are in the world! What are the chances of finding someone who you can adore, who will adore you back? I think people in love are luckier than they think. Thank you Izzy :-)
So as for today, today marks the fourth day of cleaning, I’m going to shampoo my bedroom carpet and organise my school folders, then if I have time I’m gonna clean the bathroom and finish the ironing! A woman’s work is never done ;-)

YAY An update!
Oh sigh sigh sigh, five days with no update! It’s funny because on the blogs I read every day, if someone doesn’t update in five days I get all annoyed LOL – Now I’m just as bad, sorry everyone. *sheepish look*
I’ve been moving back home. Second year of university is done and now I’m home for almost two weeks before I fly to the States for the summer. The anticipation of spending that much time in America is so exciting and at the same time so scary! Scary because it’s everything I’m not used to, scary because it’s away from my family and everything I know but exciting because I’m going to GET to know it … I’m going to make a conscious effort to note down the scenarios in which I’m clueless LOL or the times when I feel out of place or strange, I want to note them down, maybe in this blog, and then work on them, work on making them better on changing so that I ‘fit in’, so that I know what I’m doing, so that I’m comfortable there … sometimes I get the most amazing wave of excitement surge through me when I think about LIVING in America, so many people over here would kill to live in the states and I have it all planned out in front of me, I have an incredible future ahead of me when you think about it, and incredible man who I would do anything for, a wonderful supportive family behind me who I know will always be here when I need them, a home, perhaps far away, but a home that I can come back to and love all the more for not being there all the time. But I’ll have a new home too, that I can grow to love, a new home that can grow to love me back and get to know me, new friends, new neighbours, a new view out of my window when I wake up in the morning and a different smell to the air. I’m looking forward to the adventure that is my future, and I feel utterly blessed to be able to live the life that I do.
Mmmmmmmmm :)

LAST DAY!
Today is my mum's birthday, it's also my last day at University this year, my last day at 'the house' (we've just come to call it 'the house') - the last day with the room mates that I've lived with for nine months, weird feeling.
Part of me doesn't want to move, I don't want to leave my friends, my high speed internet access! Evenings of relaxing and doing just what I like ... I'm going to miss them terribly. But the other half of me can't wait to start the summer. Summer is my favourite time of the year, no doubt, the long warm days, the barbeques, sunglasses, cool tops, bare toes and nail polish, I can't wait to spend my summer in America - the trip of a lifetime ... I'm in a strange mood right now of not really wanting to do anything, so I'm gonna take photos of my house so I can remember it forever :)
P.S - I've decided to leave that photo of Izzy and I at the top of the page, I think it looks great! :)

Uh oh ...
Wow so I'm feeling a little guilty for letting my blog slide for so long ... I'm sorry peeps, that is if anyone even noticed that I haven't updated in a while *wink*
I've been deep within the nastiness of FINALS but now they're OVER and I am FINISHED with my second year of University! This freaks me out somewhat but it's exciting at the same time, I now have exactly one year until I graduate, one year until I'm done with education! Very strange.
The thing that scares me is that I'm not entirely sure what I want to do after uni, I know I'm taking a year out to get my performance diploma in piano, and I know I'm more than likely going to end up in America (this is another post entirely - must work on that) but I don't know what I want to DO with my life.
Sometimes I sit back and I just dream of being a housewife, of laundry days and baking days and mornings writing in my journal, arranging flowers in the flower room cut fresh from the garden, dusting books on the shelves in my writing room and smiling at how gorgeous it looks, leaving the windows open and airing the beds, poring over housekeeping books and magazine articles, gleaning every last tip that I can find and storing it away in my memory for future use ... am I crazy? Am I the ONLY girl on the planet who thinks like this?
I'm beginning to think that I am, in this world of feminism and high flying business women and equal opportunities, and I am ALL for them, believe me, I just find a quiet happy existence looking after a home much more appealing than going out getting splinters on the corporate ladder ... strange?
But then I think that must be a rather lonely existence, in the house most of the day, waiting for the gorgeous husband to get home, especially if I won't be near my family. I would me more than content with that if I had my mum around the corner to spend the morning with or go to coffee with, or garden and bake with, but without her the picture becomes darker and more scary ... I need to work on not being scared of finding out who I am away from my family - millions of people do it every day, why am I finding it so hard to adjust to the idea of living away from them?
Ah well, I suppose the gift of being young is that I have time to work all this out, I don't have to think about what I'm going to do two years from now because now is now and not two years from now... I have time on my side, so much time ...
I shall however, endevour to keep a better watch over this blog from now on, now that my finals are over ... we shall see how it goes :)

Becka.

P.S - Isn't that just the most awesome picture of Izzy and I? I think it's my absolute favourite ... just fancied putting it up :)

Pondering quietly...
So I'm sitting here this morning with a cup of hot tea and a huge piece of chocolate cake, perhaps chocolate cake doesn't make the best breakfast but what are ya gonna do eh? ;-) Today marks the day of my third final out of five, to think that by June 10th I'll have finished my second year of college scares me more than I ever thought it would, it's going so fast, slipping by at a rate which I can't slow down ... but it's good I guess, and I'm learning a LOT about life and love as I go through, more than I ever learned at high school or before that. I think it's because I'm at a time in my life which involves so many changes, so many transitions, moving from home to college, taking a break from piano, realising what I want out of life, becoming an adult - it's all very scary but so so exciting at the same time.
I don't think my life could be made much more wonderful if it tried ... I love being the optimist!

About Life
WOW ... do you ever have conversations with people which really really make you stop and think? I had one of those this morning with Izzy and it brought me up sharp I can tell ya LOL It's funny how people can tell you things and all of a sudden, the way you see yourself changes ... the way you've seen yourself all your life can change in a split second, and it's not always a good change. This morning I've seen the selfish side of me and I didn't like it at all, man, it wasn't nice.
I think I need a lot of help from God in dealing with the sides of me that I don't like, especially the 'selfish' side because it's so engrained within me, it doesn't make me a horrible person, I still think I'm pretty neat ;-) but sometimes I react in one way when another way would have been better.
I want to practice what I preach and always look on the bright side of things. To me the glass is ALWAYS ALWAYS half full no matter what is going on and I need to take that to heart more when I go about my life. It's so easy to dwell on the things you'd rather have and let the things that you DO have slip past you unoticed, this morning I realised just what I have and it shocked me, it's like getting a present! It's like realising how amazing your life is and unwrapping the paper layer by layer to find something new under every sheet, something new and exciting and something to be cherished, to be thankful for.
Lets think about all the things in our lives that we can be thankful for today, and I'll bet you anything that they far outweigh any little annoyances you might have.
Becka the Philiosophical ;-)

Stressed out ...
So I didn't write yesterday because we had a FAMILY PARTY!!! Family parties are what my family is all about. We have around 13 of us who get together for these shin digs: my family consisting of four, my grandmother, and my dad's two sisters who between them have a family of 8. I love love love it when we get together as a family. There's something strangely bewildering about standing in a room full of conversation and knowing that you are related to each and every one of the people standing there in some way. It's SO exciting and at each of these parties I just like to stand quietly in the middle of it sometimes and observe how truly blessed I am to have such an incredible family.
We had a barbeque, sitting outside on deckchairs basking in the sun and enjoying it but at the same time complaining about how hot it is (you can never please the British when it comes to weather, that is a FACT tried and tested since the beginning of time ;-)) the dogs played chase and the kids played hide and seek, we talked and ate and then talked and ate some more. We got to blow out the candles on our cake (there were, would you believe it, FIVE of us celebrating our bithdays :)) ... the little traditions that my family has will never cease to crack me up, my auntie always sings in harmony to 'Happy Birthday', ending on a note which is much to high for any singer, my uncle always sings a little slower so that at the end of each line you hear him singing the last word after everyone else LOL ... and the cheering and clapping that commences after the song are just so wonderful. I think being blessed with a family as close as mine is a gift that I will always treasure. Even if, in the future we don't see each other so much as now, even if we move away and don't get together the same way anymore, I have had 20 years of my life immersed in the closeness of a tight-knit family and it's one of the most wonderful gifts I could ever have been given. Thank you Jesus!

As to the title .. I am stressed out because I have a three hour final in t-1 hour and counting ... Human memory and Cognition. A course designed only to make the students believe that their own memory and cognition is decidedly below average, if even there at all ... save me!