Learning about Life
Isn't it weird how in life, it takes time to come to grips with things, it takes time for old wounds to heal and sometimes it takes time before you know you're ready ... On 14th January 2002, almost seven months after we became a couple, Shane Donahoo asked me to marry him. I was 18 years old and I said Yes. This was one of the strangest moments in my life, and one which I think was a mistake, but at the same time, it was a moment which I would never change if I had the chance to go back ... it is my biggest mistake but at the same time, the best move I could ever have made ... it taught me more about existence and relationships and love, than any other single event I have ever experienced in my short life so far ... because I had to learn the HARD WAY, more and more in life I think this is the only way we ever really learn how to play life.
I was young and I guess a little bit stupid, but (I thought) I was in love, and when I think back on it, I think I WAS in love, but it was too much of a fairytale and that is the only part I paid attention to. I didn't pay attention to the fact that I'd known him for less than a year, I didn't pay attention to the fact that he was in the US Navy and I never got to see him, I didn't pay attention to the fact that we were two of the most different people you could ever meet ... I paid attention to the two glorious weeks that we spent together in my first Christmas term at College, I paid attention to the beautiful diamond that I had on my finger, I paid attention to the fact that here was a man who would do anything for me ... I loved him for all the wrong reasons.
I think I grew up more when I broke off the engagement with Shane than I ever had before, crying to my parents in April of last year, spending hours upon hours upon hours on the phone to Izzy, crying down the receiver, listening to his words of comfort and common sense, the friend I'd learned to trust the most and to reveal all my feelings to ... the friend who I found out was as similar to me as another person can be, the friend who I found out I had more than just friendship feelings for, the friend who invested so much time and energy into helping me heal, the friend who is now the closest person to my heart aside from my family ...
But the point of my entry is that it is only now, over a year since I broke off the engagement, that I truly feel ready to let go completely. Shane has filled my mind in many different ways since we left each others lives over a year ago, and I've gotten to the point where I can really let go now. This morning I went through my computer files and erased every single piece of him that I had on here ... it's all gone now. Gone Forever.

And so now to my new life, the life I share with Izzy, the life I share with my soulmate, the person who challenges me, changes me, helps me to see myself for who I am, boosts my esteem and lifts me up in love, and friendship ... Thinking about my relationship with Izzy sometimes makes me laugh at how stupid I was to ever think that I could marry Shane. What I have now is LOVE, it's true love, it's real love, sometimes it's hard, always it's wonderful, and it's something that I've discovered I never had before Izzy. So to Izzy right now, I want to say Thank You. Thank you for showing me who I am, thank you for living life with me and for loving me and for showing really ... really what true love is. :)

Derek Webb is an inspiration...
"I wanna dance, I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance, I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance, all night, I wanna dance, I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance, I wanna listen to the music that's been ringing in my ears ... cuz one day I'm gonna dance right outta here ... "

I have an audience!
Wow, so now I know I actually have people READING this stuff, it makes me kinda nervous LOL ... but ... really excited too!
So, another day, another morning of checking e-mail and message boards ... and blogs. I was so excited to find a message from Ted this morning, it's amazing how much excitement you can add to your life by starting new ventures such as these isn't it? When I was a kid I used to write people letters, anyone, my friends, my family, everyone I knew ... and I did it because I was always so happy when they wrote back. I've not changed, I still find it one of the most exciting things in the world to receive a package through the mail or a letter, or even on the computer, an e-mail will brighten up my day no-end, getting comments on my blog or even finding that Izzy has even just updated his, all make me smile with contentment ...
I've never been a very social person, preffering to stay home and watch movies with my housemates than go out on the town with them, although, bless them, they've never given up on asking me even though they know that the answer will invariably be .. 'naaaaa' LOL ... So I guess my favourite way of "socialising" is to interact through words. My boyfriend has told me many a time that he has never been with anyone who loves writing so much, and it's so true, I DO love writing, I've loved writing since the day I carefully started making apprehensive squiggles with my pencil, it's a deep seated love within me that seems to be innate and I never wanna lose it ... to see a shelf full of books that you've scribbled in for over twelve years of your life is an amazing sight, to see how your world has changed, the things important to you have changed, your friends have changed, I find my life story intensly interesting!
I just find it so wonderful that we have the ability to create our own excitement, create our own world, with words ... Life truly is what you want it to be ...

Speculations ...
Have you ever noticed how different the blogs of adults are to the blogs of younger people?
I was thinking about that this morning, and in my opinion, the younger people have a lot more to say about philosophy, their take on the world, all these seemingly profound and thought provoking things go on in their heads and when you get older they seem to disappear ...
I hope I never lose my 'take' on the world, never lose the ability I have to write and escape, writing is a wonderful escape don't you think? My ability to look at the world in my very own way and not care if anyone contradicts me because I know deep down somewhere ... in my mind anyway, it's all true. It gives me great comfort.
Anyone scared of growing up? Scared of accumulating all this extra responsibility? The thing I'm scared of is the fact that it all seems so close now, gone are the days when I could turn around to my grandfather with a proud smile on my face and say "in SEVEN years I'll be TWENTY Grandpa!" ... I look back on those days with a whistful smile, not crying because they're gone but smiling so much because they happened.

The truth is, we shouldn't be scared of our future, the truth is, we don't know ENOUGH about our future TO be scared of it ... or maybe that's why we are scared?

All I know is that I am optimistic about my future ... about becoming someone's wife, someone's mother, a daughter in law, a sister in law .... these things aren't scary, they're exciting - they're to be embraced and welcomed and loved ... and I try to stay optimistic because ... "The accumulation of small optimistic acts produces quality in our culture and in your life ... our culture resonates in tense times to individual acts of grace ... "
Isn't that beautiful? It's a quote I read somewhere and I forget the author but it stirs somewhere within me, hope and promise, that I am living life right :)

All for now from my pensive mood ...

Study Break
*A side note in my Study break of ten-minutes-and-no-more-Izzy-if-you're-reading-this-I-promise-I'm-not-slacking ... * ... ;)
I thought this would be a great way to keep up with old school friends aswell, if you're out there guys, throw us a comment, if you're not then I may just have to resort to leaving a comment for myself ... hey, I've done it before, I have no shame!
I will get to the introspective ponderings which often befall me in the dead of night in a moment, but for now I'm just all too excited about my new venture to anything but blabber on like a CRAZY thing.
As for the links ... Undisclosed Location is the blog of my guy, Izzy, great place to go if you want some philosophical, thought provoking and exceptional writing ... he's got the gift as they say. He and I have been together over a year now and all things look well in our world :) I'll be spending two months in the States with him from June 29th so you're BOUND to get some interesting posts then ;) ... the next link is his website, and the last link is a lil Yahoo Group called the Writers PERC - took me about four years to work out that PERC actually stood for PERC as in coffee percolater ... very cleverly, if not a little obsurely, relating to the fact that it is a virtual 'Coffee House' for writers ... who doesn't LOVE Coffee!? And Writing combined with coffee, well you just may have to stifle my shouts of joy in regards that one!

But for now my little home chickens, the study beckons once more ... *Sigh* the life of a college student eh?

Baby post!
My name's Becka, I'm 20 years old and I get incredibly intrigued by the way in which people construct the worlds in which they live (Do I sound TOO much like a Psychology Major? ;)) ... this fascination within me has created 12 years of paper journaling so far ... and the internet is the only medium I haven't tried yet so as my daddy would say, lets give it a whirl! :)